[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ] 

Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I'm Circe Nightshade and tonight we are 
paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal 
reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss! 

Azrael Abyss: I'm the Prince of Sorrow, whoo. 

Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead. 

Azrael: Yes, I'm dead indeed, la la la. 

Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael's not really dead, but this is his funeral. It's a 
funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia... 

Together: of the dust! 

Circe: Hezebaia. 

[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ] 

Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia. 

Hezebia: I'm sorry I'm late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue 
madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon. 

Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised] 

Hezebia: Graduation. 

Circe: From who? 

Hezebia: My parents. 

Circe: What color? 

Hezebia: Purple. 

Circe: Really? 

Azrael: Hey, what about me?! 

[ Hezebia pushes him back down] 

Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead. 

Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ] 

[Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ] 

Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael... 

Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ] 

Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ] 

[ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ] 

[ It's a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ] 

Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg. 

Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside. 

Azrael: I hope it's Baron Nocturna. 

Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it's Baron Nocturna. 

Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in. 

[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ] 

Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle. 

[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin' Donuts work outfit. ] 

The Girls: Welcome Baron. 

Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car. 

Azrael: Just get on with the funeral. 

Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ]
"While I envy dear Azrael's flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, 
without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I'm gonna get my ass kicked, a 
lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion..." 

Azrael: That's enough, Baron. 

[ Hezebia pushes him down] 

Hezebia: Shut it Todd. 

Azrael: My name's not Todd it's Azrael Abyss! 

Hezebia: Okay. 

[ Baron sits down.] 

Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ] 

Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will 
intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder. 

Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave. 

Azrael: ooooo. 

[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ's at home with braces opening his 
christmas gift. ] 

Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I'm gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it's perfect!
A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I'm talking 
on the phone, I'm talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep,
[ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It's me Todd, thanks for the neat phone! 

[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ] 

Azrael: I told you to rewind that! 

Circe: Sorry Azrael. 

Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone. 

Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I'm dead, I'm dead, remember. 

Baron: You're right, you're dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha! 

Azrael: No, give me that! 

Baron: I'm gonna be, I'm back to being the second fruitest guy in school! 

Azrael: No, give it to me! 

Circe: Well that's all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember 
stay out of the daylight. 

The Girls: Stay out, stay out! 

[ Fades out. ] 


Submitted by: SNL244 

From Saturday Night Live Transcripts
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/99ggoth.phtml